No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
