Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
