I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize