Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize