My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
