I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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