I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Randomize
