so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
