we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
