a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
