my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You were trust falling into bushes
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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