Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
