About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
my being single is dangerous.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
