At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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