when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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