We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
