i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
