At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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