I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
