Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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