Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
