I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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