I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
50% drunk capacity currently
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
