he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
