You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
