the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
