Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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