If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I miss vodka workout Fridays
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
