today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
