this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
