I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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