I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
