Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
