So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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