Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
