You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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