Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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