The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You're so nebulous sometimes
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize