i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
