Umm I'm too high to move.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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