I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
