Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
