i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
