If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
