if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
