I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
