Jerry, you need to find god
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
