i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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