i jhust puked up my retainher.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
