First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
