someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize