I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
