just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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