Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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