I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
