Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
