he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
