I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
