I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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