Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
